in which i captain a sailboat while drinking a coors light.

it all started out so innocently. it always does.

here’s my guide on how to end a day trip as the captain of your catamaran.

jost van dyke

1. book a day-long boat trip in the virgin islands during your honeymoon.

2. find out that the boat trip you randomly picked is the one with free bloody marys and beers.

3. drink some of them.

4. go snorkeling with your awesome husband halfway through the boat trip. see some cool fish and only get slightly nervous that he will get sucked out to sea.

5. dock at great harbour, jost van dyke, british virgin islands and go to foxy’s. find $20 in the ladies’ restroom and use it to buy your first round of painkillers*.


foxys ladies

6. get back to the boat late and apologize profusely to the captain.

7. sail over to white bay, jost van dyke, bvi and anchor in the bay. swim in to the beach with your clothing and personal effects held high over your head.

8. find a table at the soggy dollar bar for lunch and more painkillers (plus one vanilla killa).

soggy dollar


9. walk down the beach to admire just how fake blue the water looks.

10. walk back toward the sailboat because you don’t want to be late again. accept another painkiller from the first mate.

white bay

11. tie a noodle around your body like a life-preserver so you can swim in the ocean with your painkiller. safety first.

12. raise the sails and begin your trip back to st. john.

13. tell the captain you are very experienced with driving large boats because the paddleboat captains at your old job used to let you steer the boat while they ate the meal you brought up to the cabin.

14. accept his offer to let you drive the sailboat, provided you drink a coors light at the same time.

boat captain

15. captain that sailboat like a freaking pro.

16. get bored and decide you want to sit with your husband in the sun and eat oreos.

sailing and oreos

17. dock at cruz bay, st. john, usvi, and realize just how many painkillers you drank today.

18. walk aimlessly around town and take photos of pirate ships until someplace (anyplace) opens for dinner.

pirate ship

19. eat the best dinner of your life at the fatty crab. trick the waiters into thinking you have had zero painkillers that day instead of four.

20. return to your hotel and fall asleep by 8pm.

21. the end.

*painkiller = 4 parts dark rum, 4 parts pineapple juice, 1 part orange juice, 1 part cream of coconut, freshly grated nutmeg on top, over ice.

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