the middle days of rest.

so we’re halfway through the social media fast. and it turns out that i’m still not missing social media itself. but i am finding out that i have been putting a lot of my “stuff” to the side in favor of avoidance via instagram/facebook/twitter/etc. yikes, how’s that for an intro?

the “stuff’ i’m specifically talking about is the general betterment of myself type stuff. you know, taking charge of my life and organizing it, getting my home on a better running schedule, actually giving thought to simplifying the stuff in my home and my heart, being a more engaged friend, PRINTING OFF PHOTOS OF MY SECOND BORN. see, i know that i want to do all this stuff. i know it because it’s on lists everywhere. i have lists on my phone, in notebooks, on my computer, and they all say variations of the same thing. and yet. and yet when given an hour at night to either pull out my computer and organize my photos and files while watching netflix (mostly productive), or to mindlessly scroll facebook and instagram while watching netflix (literally could not be less productive), i have always been choosing the latter. and why? do you know how much joy it would bring me to have photos printed out and in frames? ALL THE JOY. do you know how much happiness i would feel if i could finally say that i had effectively simplified my home and made it more efficient, happy and healthy? ALL THE HAPPINESS. but i don’t do it.

i don’t do it because i would rather just see the finished product of other people who have done it than put in the work myself. i think there is a fear of starting something like this self-improvement if there is a chance that it’s going to take a few tries. i’m the type of person who wants to do something one time, and i want it to be right the first time. i have always hated the idea of rough drafts. always. why make a rough draft when you can just write a good paper on the first try? why waste time doing something if you’re just going to have to do it again? in college, i would regularly write midterms and final papers in one sitting. and i’d get As on them (so in my defense, i’ve had some reinforcement on this particular belief…) it makes me feel good to see others’ end results without the rough drafts because i can live in this fantasy where SOMEDAY i’ll start this same effort and it’ll be easy to get the same results. i can just keep pretending that no rough drafts are needed, just like in college. but deep down, i know that this process will require trial and error, and that’s why i never start.

does anyone else have this same weird hang-up with rough drafts? or is it just me? please let it just not be me…

so i guess i’ve learned some pretty substantial stuff about why i do the things i do from this experience so far. this week is the week that we are supposed to take action on some of our thought process of restoring our rhythms and setting our non-negotiables for our lives, by actually getting rid of some of the clutter. so it’s a DO week instead of a THINK week, and i’m actually very excited. i feel like i need homework on this stuff because i’m clearly type-a enough that i don’t want to not finish an assignment. the difference now is that i’m recognizing that there is going to be trial and error, and i’m trying to welcome it, and be aware that all of this work is going to carry over into my whole year. in fact, i want it to carry over into my whole year. that’s how i’m going to change my habits and my weird perfectionist avoidance tendencies. i’m also working on how to fit social media back into my life in a way that won’t allow me to use it to avoid as much anymore. because i can’t unknow that part of myself now, so i have no excuse to let it happen anymore.

i truly thought that most of this process would be figuring out a better social media schedule for myself, not that i’d discover this known but deeply forgotten truth about myself. that in and of itself has made this process worth it.

now, i did have other goals for this work that i wrote about in my first post, so i want to update about those as well. can’t forget about the stuff i started!

here is what i hoped to accomplish during the month:

  • i want to build a new daily routine for myself, from the time i wake up to the time i go to bed. i want it to be thoughtful, realistic, and something that gives me purpose, because i’m learning that more structure might be good for me. i’m slowly but surely developing this. i have been good about giving myself 20 minutes of quiet awake time in the morning, with coffee, to ease into my day. i’ve also been getting myself and the kids dressed, teeth brushed and ready for the day at the same time, which is good for them as well as me. my nighttime routine has been more focused on what needs to get done, and on more productive endeavors lately too, which has made me feel great.
  • i want to work on renewing relationships, both within my family and my friendships. i’ve not been as mindful of the people in my life as of late, and i want to change that. this includes my husband and friends far and near. i’m still working on this. i’ll always be working on this.
  • i’m hoping to renew my passion for blogging with the new inspiration and space in my brain. i’ve missed it a lot, but even when i’ve had the time to do it, i’ve felt totally uninspired to do it. i’m hoping this rest from the norm will jumpstart my creativity in a positive way. i’ve been doing so much thinking, that actually, most of my extra brain power has been spent on the exercise itself, but i can see how doing a good job on this endeavor will pay off in this space soon.
  • i want to come out of this feeling like a more engaged, energized mom. i have two amazing kids who are growing up faster and faster, and i want to take the time to watch it happen with minimal distractions. i really have been feeling like a better mom this month. i have more patience, i am doing a better job spending quality time with the kids when i have it, which gives me some leeway to let them play on their own while i cook or clean because their mom tank is full. so we’re all happier lately, and i credit it to how focused i’ve been in my interactions with them.

once again, thanks for sticking around for this long! i appreciate that some of you read along with my strange, rambling trains of thought. let me know if any of you get me on this rough draft thing, help my feel like i’m not alone in my crazy.

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