in early december, i found out i was pregnant. and then all of a sudden, 24 hours later, i wasn’t anymore.
i had an idea that i was pregnant, so i asked the doctor to do a test when we were in for amelia’s appointment. it came up positive and, just like that, my reality changed. i was going to have another baby. we knew what the due date would be and started to get excited about the idea of another little one coming into the world. we had just started trying again, and were beyond happy that our family would be growing to four so soon.
but then just a day after feeling all that and knowing all that, i wasn’t pregnant anymore. and i was sad and upset and angry, because i had gotten excited for something that was never going to happen. it felt a little like waking up from a dream when you weren’t ready to wake up at all. except maybe ten times worse.
i had a miscarriage at 5 weeks. and yet, i have hesitated to use those exact words when telling people what happened. instead i say, “i was pregnant, but then i wasn’t.” “i was pregnant and then i lost it.” i say anything except, “i was pregnant and then i miscarried.”
why do i hesitate to say it? i did have a miscarriage. that’s what happened. and i felt so much sadness about it, but instead of letting myself mourn, i spent time telling myself that my feelings weren’t valid because it was “too early” to feel sad, or it wasn’t “as bad” as it could have been.
i know i’m not alone in this. i’ve heard so many women say that they feel guilty for feeling sad over an early miscarriage. that they “shouldn’t” be sad about something that had barely begun. most don’t even tell anyone it’s happened to them, because they’ve been made to think a loss like this is not as valid as another. it’s as if we think our emotional responses should somehow correlate to the amount of time we carried that baby in our bodies. as if somehow, the short amount of time makes us immune to the feelings that come with losing a piece of our future. with losing our baby.
that’s not fair to any woman, and it wasn’t fair to myself. over the past few weeks, as i’ve had time to reflect on my experience, i’ve realized that the honest to goodness truth is this: it’s okay to feel sad about an early miscarriage, because while it is an early loss, it is still a loss. you don’t need to feel guilty about caring, and you don’t need to minimize your experience. you’ve experienced a loss and you are allowed to (and should) mourn in whatever way you need to mourn. i am allowed to mourn my miscarriage, no matter how far along it was.
i will not let this define me, but neither will i let the world define how i feel about it. i want you to know that if you’ve ever experienced a loss like this, you are validated in your sadness and your mourning. and i’m sending you all the hugs that i have.
thank you for all your support. a post like this is scary to write, but knowing that my community is so wonderful makes it a lot easier to share something so personal to me.