the way it used to be.

i have a great time being a mom. i'm allowed to make as many funny faces as i want; i get to sing songs all day; i get cuddles when the mood strikes my daughter. it's really, really great.and then sometimes it hits me that things are never going back to the way they were. i can't just spend an entire day wandering around the city with a friend. working in the yard takes extreme strategy and planning. happy hours are no longer spontaneous. i can't sleep in.it's not that these things even come close to how awesome having my baby is...in comparison, they're nothing. i'd give up even more for that little girl of mine. but i still miss them. that tiny, selfish part of me misses being able to go and do whatever i want, whenever i want.and that's okay i think. i think that missing it keeps me connected to the part of myself that is just me. not mom, not milk machine, not bottle washer, not baby food maker, not diaper washer. those things that i miss are just for me. and if i miss them, it means i remember them, and by remembering i stay connected to that old part of myself.

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so yes, i miss the way it used to be. but i miss it in the way i miss a vacation; with fond memories and an urge to go back and visit for a while, but really knowing that i'd much rather be home.

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