reflections on a year of motherhood.

some thoughts from a rookie after her first year of being a mom:

tonight, when i put amelia to bed, she didn't want to nurse. at all. it was like, oh thanks mom, but those are for little babies. i'm one so i drink from bottles now. so i had Mister Man whip up a bottle of regular milk, she geeked out and chugged it down, and that was that. we're done with nursing, on the first anniversary of the first time we ever nursed together.that bittersweet feeling; of getting through a whole year, but also feeling like i'm just not quite ready to be done with that year, that's what this experience has felt like to me. the past 365 days have gone so slowly, and so fast; i'm so happy when each new milestone comes, and i'm so sad when they have to make way for the next one. the paradoxes are real, i'm telling you.

***

if there were any one feeling that i have felt the most this year, it would be pride. i have done more things this year that i am proud of than any other single year of my life, and a lot of them were really hard and really awesome. i gave birth. i nursed a baby for a full 12 months, while working (and an active baby at that!). i started a new position at work the day i got back from maternity leave. i survived solo parenting quite often. i have raised a daughter who has a sense of humor and loves to be active and brings so much joy to the lives she touches. so pride seems right. also i feel tired.

***

after a year of feeling like i was nothing but mama, i'm finally feeling like i'm closer to being back to being me and being mama. i feel like i'm figuring out how to be both in a more balanced way. and it's okay that it took me a year. i had to make my peace with that a while ago, that the balance wasn't going to happen for me within a year, like you hear some people say it will. but i made my peace with my timing and my balance and now i only feel excited about what life is going to look like going forward, there is no resentment in sight.

mom is a title that has fit me better than i ever thought it would. i'm nowhere near the person or the mom that i want to be yet, but i'm getting closer everyday. patience is a virtue that i thought i possessed before having amelia, but it turns out i didn't have any at all. i ask God every day for more of it, and i'm slowly being blessed with that, although not without some growing pains on my part.

no one ever said it would be easy, but it is oh so worth it.

i wanted to write this quick while i was feeling all the first birthday feels. i'll be posting amelia's 12 month update soon, just as soon as i pin her down long enough to take her photo. yikes! #toddlerprobs 

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