on keeping my sanity.
**i’m going to disclaimer this post (which i usually make it a point not to do but it’s necessary here) by saying: my having to solo parent thirty percent of the month is in no way a hardship when compared to what single parents, military parents, or widowed parents do day in and day out. like not even a little. i’ve always had an issue with people saying “single parenting” when what they mean is “solo parenting” because they’re NOT THE SAME. to all my parents out there doing it by yourself every single day, i tip my hat to you and if i know you in person, i will find a way to get you some coffee.**
when the world is not upside down, i’m married to a man who travels for a living. when i say that the panorama was so amazing for our family, it’s solely because we had Mister Man home for over a year. not having to do bedtime by myself for over a year? i was in heaven!
but alas (kidding), pandies only last so long. my beloved is back on the road and i’m relearning how to do bedtime alone.
typically the travel schedule is spread out enough where my sanity is a non-issue, i hold down the fort, everyone stays fed and happy, and nothing feels out of whack for too long. but sometimes, the travel schedule is deeply inconvenient and i find myself solo parenting for 12 out of 15 workdays. and that my friends, is when my sanity starts to erode. my children get antsy because they miss their dad, and that causes them to stage mini mutinies against me as a coping mechanism. these mini mutinies cause my patience to dissolve quicker than normal so i snap more than normal. the guilt spiral starts and i get very comfortable apologizing to my kids. if any of you has experienced this phenomenon, you get it.
how is a mom supposed to keep her sanity when this travel stretch is going to extend longer than she had hoped?
the answer, for me at least, is to have a husband who pushes you to use his hard-earned hotel points and take a night away to just BE. (sidebar: if you don’t have a husband who does this, please know that it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you more than life itself, he might just not be tuned in to these types of things. social media makes us feel like our husbands have to be this way or that way, and trust me, my husband doesn’t fit into all of those boxes. your husband doesn’t need to fit into all of them either.)
when i’m able to get away from the status quo, my tank gets full. i come back to my family a better wife, a better mom, a better me. it’s amazing what 18 hours by yourself can do for your state of mind when your typical state is decidedly NOT by yourself. once a quarter seems to be the magic number for me, it might be more or less for you. it doesn’t have to be complicated. i usually go to a hotel 20 minutes from my house. this last time i picked up sushi on the way (while white-knuckle driving through a blizzard), changed immediately into comfy clothes, poured myself a drink, and watched christmas movies while addressing our christmas cards. relaxing and functional, because that’s what makes me happy these days.
if a night at a hotel is absolutely not an option, may i suggest a saturday outing? leave in the morning and most definitely do not come back until bedtime is over at night. spend your day doing errands you don’t want to bring your kids on, eating lunch by yourself, working in a coffee shop on literally anything, or whatever would make your heart feel rested and happy. it doesn’t really matter what you do, as long as the following requirements are met:
you’re by yourself
you’re doing something that relaxes you or takes something off your plate
you’re not responsible for parenting the whole time
that’s it. that’s the formula i use to keep my sanity in times when it’s scarce. i had enough people ask me about my last couple of hotel nights that i thought sharing might inspire a few of you to have some good conversations with your own husbands and maybe try it for yourselves. i’d love to hear if it does inspire, and also what else you do to keep your sanity intact. i could always use more ideas for that in this phase of my life…
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