funny

a slow descent into insanity.

if you follow me on snapchat (@hooleywithaz), you would see me on a regular basis, switching from put together professional to frazzled mom. you would be able to tell which weeks Mister Man traveled, because the frazzle seeps over into the professional side a bit too often. i look like a caricature of myself, hair pointing every which way, a mysterious spot on my shirt that i wasn’t awake enough to notice, and definitely a blemish or two.

exhibit a (don’t mind the heart doodle, just hiding a giant zit or two):

crazy mom

i don’t say all of this to garner sympathy. when i watch my snapchat story on the frazzled days, i get a really good laugh out of it. a hearty laugh. because i realize that while motherhood has caused me to make a slow descent into insanity, it’s also made me realize that i have not changed one bit since high school, at least not in the ways that matter.

when i see myself with that crazy hair and those zits, i don’t see a tired mom or a cranky wife. i see me, as a sixteen year old, heading to my high school classes dressed in sweatpants and a tennis sweatshirt, because for me, being comfortable and in a good mood was way more important than spending time putting on clothes with actual buttons and zippers. and the hair? well it weirdly looked exactly like it does now – usually piled high on my head in a bun, or thrown back in a messy braid. now, as back then, i can still clean up when i need to. but i didn’t have time to be worrying about my “put-togetherness” when there were friends to be talked to and tests to be taken. just like i don’t have time to worry about it today when there are babies to be played with and walks to be taken.

exhibit b (not as terrifying):

crazy mom

so this post is a PSA for you all: if you ever happen to see me on the street looking a little worse for the wear, don’t feel sorry for me. i’m probably feeling really great, and my insane appearance is just a reflection of all the fun i’m having.

but also, send coffee. always send coffee.

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a little bit of this and that.

i don’t know about you, but this week was like whoa in terms of length and dragging on and just being generally difficult, as weeks sometimes tend to be. and i am 37 weeks pregnant, and don’t have anything interesting or useful to say about that. i’m guessing lots some of you are getting sick of the baby stuff too.

all that to say that today, we’re going to have a braindump. a little bit of this and a little bit of that. i never know what’s going to appear out of my brain on days like today, so get ready for a lot of lovely random thoughts. nothing better on a friday, right?

***

1. i received this email from my husband the other day and i don’t think you understand how hard i laughed/gagged at my desk at work. we used to write each other letters when he lived in iowa at the beginning of our relationship, and emails like this bring me back to that time, complete with the butterflies of a new relationship. weird, huh? it’s especially weird when you consider the content of this email.

Good Morning Madam,

You know have I never have stories, well I have one now! It took me a while to figure out the best way to tell you this story, because first I was going to call you, and then I thought that would be a bad idea. Then I was going to wait until you got home, but I also thought probably not the best, so I ended up on email sent to you at work.

So, on with the tale. You know how we haven’t seen the smaller bunnies around lately. Well, I found out why. How does one write this in a sophisticated manner? They gone!! And, by gone, I mean they died, dead, worm food..etc.! I can confirm this for two of the former little fuzz balls at least. How you may be asking yourself does my husband know that two of our little backyard companions have deceased? Well I will tell you how and I will spare you some of the details that aren’t so pleasant. [editor’s note: he did not spare me that many unpleasant details.]

Like any typical day at home I started off by kissing my lovely wife good bye and telling little Baby Z in her belly to behave today [editor’s note: awwwww, he loves us!], and then headed down to the office in the basement to work. It was a nice day outside, not to[o] warm, low humidity, so I decided to open the window in the basement office and let some fresh air in. The air that entered was anything but fresh, and stank of rancid decay. I knew immediately that something had entered our back window well, which is at least 3.5 feet deep, and was unable to get out. Damn I said to myself, and immediately closed the window, while trying to hold in the vomit that was trying to escape my stomach. Next step was to light a candle and turn a fan on the basement to get rid of the lingering odor. After I got the candle going I went outside to inspect what type of victim the window well had claimed. What I saw next was not the prettiest thing I had ever seen, but I will spare you the details. In the window well of death , that’s what I am calling it now, were two dead bunnies. One that had probably been there for at least two weeks and one that was probably in there for around 3 days. I am not a forensic expert, but one body was just bones with a little fur and the other was still mostly there. Not pretty, or a good way to start your morning. So, I got some garbage bags and picked up the remains that I could gather, while trying not to spew chunks from the smell all over the place. I proceed then to bleach down the area to somewhat sanitize it and then rinse it with hose for the final cleaning. It seems to have ridden the window well of death from the stench of bunny death for now, but I have a feeling those will not be the last victims it claims. I have unfortunately solved the case of the missing bunnies, but let that be a lesson to us to check the window well every day or two to make sure that no more victims are claimed. Ahhh, the joys of home ownership.

I hope you have enjoyed this story, and I hope you have a wonderful day at work.

Love you very much.

i told him that he can now never leave me (among other reasons), because i could never have handled that on my own. also, our yard is apparently a death trap? also, also, i feel like Mister Man would be really good at guest blogging here every now and again?

2. i’ve got a wonderful cause that i am going to be talking about here in the next couple of weeks that is especially dear to my heart at this point in my life. for now, make sure to pay attention to instagram over the next few days for the introduction to that cause.

3. one of my dear college friends is getting married to one of the most wonderful ladies tomorrow, and i cannot wait to celebrate them as much as my big belly will allow. it’s the first time most of my best guy friends from college will see me pregnant, and can i just say that seeing young men’s reactions to the belly is one of my favorite things about pregnancy? the bugged out eyes, the not-very-well-disguised grossed out faces, the tentative questions…it’s all awesome and hilarious.

4. how do i put this without sounding like i’m complaining? i’ve been having a hard time walking the past couple of weeks due to my darling baby growing like a weed and putting all the new weight at the front of my body. yes, there is a downside to having a pregnant belly that looks like you stuffed a beach ball in your shirt. sure it’s adorable at first, then your body betrays you because that beach ball weighs 26 pounds. but the bright side of being laid up on the couch most evenings is that you get a lot of time to think thoughts. and one of the thoughts i’ve been thinking the most is this: can i get away with wearing these fake glasses in public?

fake glasses

5. let’s talk about freeze pops for a moment. my favorite flavor is pink. my least favorite flavor is orange (unless the yellow tastes like banana). i will eat any flavor if it’s in my freezer. anyone have weird preferences like that? if you ever want to feel like you’re back in your childhood, buy a pack, you will not regret it.

***

i hope that everyone’s weekend is just amazing. my little brother is home for almost three weeks, and i cannot wait for him to see my belly and get to feel the baby kick! he’s been living in maui since march (yea, for real), so he hasn’t really seen me PREGNANT yet, and i am so excited that he’s here. i may or may not be whispering to the baby that if it comes out on august 10, it will get to meet uncle patrick…incentives, right?

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stolen cars and downpours.

i was maybe planning on writing about the decision to work vs. stay home today, but that was far too weighty for me right now. doesn’t that feel too weighty for today? it felt like the immensity of that conversation with myself might crush me if i tried on this specific day. and then also we had the weirdest morning, so i was saved from myself.

on this thursday morning, like most other mornings, i woke up, and did all the normal getting ready things: made coffee, picked on my still sleeping husband, went to the bathroom twice, ate breakfast, packed my lunch (leftover green curry, oh em gosh), and opened the shades on a very gloomy day. it was at that point that i noticed the vehicle parked on our driveway. a silver minivan to be exact. we don’t have a silver minivan. so naturally i was intrigued.

our neighbor is selling their house, so there have been a lot of odd cars parked where they shouldn’t be lately, but this car was parked by our house, not theirs. and there were no lights on in the house, so no one was walking through it. i made Mister Man go outside to investigate, and he found the driver’s side window open, with the door handle hanging off it. someone had stolen a car and dumped it in our driveway. not a great start to our day, and definitely a worse start to someone else’s.

so my husband went to call the police while i RAN to catch the bus. nothing to throw off your schedule like some theft. i got to the corner and waited for the light to change, and then watched my bus drive by without me on it. it then decided to start downpouring. because haven’t you heard? that’s what happens on mornings when you find a stolen car in your driveway and miss your bus by a stoplight.

rainy day

because we were parked in by this stolen van, i had to trek it home in the rain and thunder and lightning to wait for the next bus to come. i think you can imagine how adorable i looked for work today. soggy is the new chic. by the time i finally made it to work, i was pretty much over today, with 8 hours left to go. always a good way to spend your thursday! hooray! sarcasm!

we eventually found out, when the police arrived, that the stolen minivan belonged to a mom of two young kids, and YOU GUYS. these jerks stole her carseats from the van. as someone who has just been shopping around for things like carseats, strollers and the like, i am upset on her behalf. do you know how expensive car seats are?? i mean, it’s offensive enough that they expire after a number of years, and you can barely reuse them for your own children, but to have someone steal them out of the car they just stole from you? unforgivable! poor lady easily wins the worst day award, my soggy morning doesn’t even compare.

so really, there was no point to this other than to say, why is it not friday yet? and here’s hoping tomorrow morning there aren’t any abandoned things sitting in our driveway.

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can’t write, too busy running to the loo.

i don’t know why i wrote “loo” instead of “restroom”, “bathroom”, or just “too busy having to pee”. “running to the loo” just sounds more refined i guess? less trashy? more british? i wanted this post about pee to sound cute? i don’t know.

21 weeks

[in between bathroom breaks.]

turns out that whole thing about pregnant women having to pee all the time, that’s for real. i found that out real good this week. my already small bladder has shrunk three sizes, the opposite of the grinch’s heart on christmas morning. yesterday i had to go three times before i left for work. today i woke up at 5:00am and never went back to sleep. i just waited for my next trip to the bathroom.

my days now are just comprised of activities that i fit in between bathroom breaks. any outing is either timed so that i can be back home in time for the next one, or planned so that i know with great certainty that there will be facilities available to me to use. i know the location and proximity of the restrooms in every target, menards, home depot, coffee shop & grocery store within a 5 mile radius of home.

be right back.

okay, back. pretty sure i hadn’t consumed any liquid since my last break, so biologically speaking, i’m not sure where my body is even finding anything else to expel from my body. does anyone have the science to explain this to me?

where was i again? oh yea, talking about my tiny pregnant bladder (dad, is this entire blog post making you uncomfortable? if so, just think about all the other terrible things about pregnancy i could have chosen to write about and you should feel better!).

here are the things i can’t do anymore now that my bladder is the size of an acorn:

  • spend more than 20 minutes on the elliptical at the gym
  • act like i’m not having a panic attack in the mall when i can’t find a bathroom
  • make it through my workout dvd without pausing
  • sit through a meeting at work that lasts longer than an hour
  • watch a tv show all the way through
  • sleep through the night

i’m only 23 weeks pregnant, so i know i’m just at the beginning of this stage, and i’ve got a long way to go before it’s over. i’ve even heard that i get to look forward to someone actually KICKING my bladder once they get big enough for that – i’m looking at you baby z., and hear me now, i will not suffer silently through that madness. i will not.

this would all be a lot easier if i could survive without consuming any water to sustain myself and the baby. someone invent that please? or tell me it’s okay to just live in the loo?

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7 things people do when you get pregnant.

in my limited experience as a pregnant person, i’ve started to notice some recurring patterns in the things people do to me since i started growing a person inside of me. and naturally, i started to realize how hysterical some of them were (at least to me, they might not be funny to you at all, now that i think about it). if you’ve ever had a baby, i hope this makes you laugh. if you’re planning on having one someday, i hope this little list helps prepare you for what will most certainly be done to you.

*if you have trouble distinguishing my sarcastic tone from my serious tone, or you just really don’t get my sense of humor, i would like to preface this by saying that all of this is meant to be tongue-in-cheek. also, please feel free to do any of these things to me next time you see me. it’ll be fun.*

background

1. judge your coffee drinking.

actually, if you’re like me, this will happen before you even announce you’re pregnant. it will come from all sides. your doctor might say something like, “well, i made it through med school without caffeine, so i bet you can do it for 9 months”, and everyone else might will insinuate tell you to your face that the second you stop drinking coffee is the second they’ll know you’re pregnant. except joke’s on EVERYONE, because once you realize it doesn’t make you feel ill in your first trimester, you have no intention of giving up coffee. (yes, i moved to half-caf at home, and i only order lattes at the coffee shop because it’s controlled amounts of caffeine, but give it up? no sir, you’d be wrong about that, so take your judgey face elsewhere.)

2. touch your belly.

yes. this is most definitely a thing that will happen to you. and it’s okay to fall on either side of the touch is/is not okay spectrum. i thought i was firmly on the do not touch side, but want to know something incredibly unexpected that i found out about myself? turns out that now that i have a little bump, i am okay with people touching my belly. not strangers or co-workers, OBVIOUSLY, but i’m having some kind of out of body experience where i have subconsciously given the belly area to the baby, and i’m okay with people touching it! some ground rules exist: a) you must ask before you touch. b) flat palms at all times, otherwise i will feel like you’re squeezing the chub layer. c) YOU MUST ASK BEFORE YOU TOUCH.

p.s. did you see that my bump is totally popping out?

3. provide their opinion on your decision to find out the gender (or not).

you hate that we’re not finding out if we’re having a boy or girl until it’s born? oh, you were hoping we’d wait because that’s more exciting? too bad you totally missed the meeting between my husband and me where the decision was made, otherwise we would definitely have given you a say in the matter!

(we are waiting until baby z. is born to see if it’s a little lady or little gentleman. you may leave your opinion on this decision in the comment section below!)

4. raise their eyebrows when you say the word “waterbirth”.

i know this might freak people out, so the eyebrow raise is more understandable. careful though, if you make a face, i will be obligated to tell you about it in incredible detail. but yea, i might give birth in a bathtub! which also happens to be in a hospital, because i am a woman who likes to have options, and likes very much the idea of a healthy baby at the end of the ordeal, however that needs to happen. also, the idea of a natural birth without being surrounded in warm, soothing water gives me anxiety feelings.

5. tell you about the time they lost their mucus plug in a terribly horrifying situation.

firstly, i have plenty of horror stories i’m making up in my head right now about what could go wrong, i don’t need to hear about how your water broke while you were sitting at work in the middle of an important meeting with all the important people. secondly, i need time to come to terms with things like mucus plugs and broken water and the labor process, so you’ll forgive me if i don’t fully participate in the conversation. i’m trying to avoid getting ptsd BEFORE i give birth.

6. ask you if you’ve gained any weight yet.

this happened to me in the  crowded bathroom at work a few weeks ago. it wasn’t so much asked of me as yelled at me. i blinked a few times before answering “nope, not yet.” can we just all agree that unless i volunteer the information to you, and i probably will because i am a great over-sharer, you promise not to ask me about how much i weigh? you know, like i’m still a normal woman with pride?

(4 pounds so far if you care, right on track, i’m the queen of gaining pregnancy weight, go ahead and punch me in 6 months when i hate myself for saying that out loud.)

7. love on you more than you ever expected.

see, i’m not a total cold-blooded people-hater. the few hilarious/shocking/rude things that may happen to you are far outshadowed by the amazing love that is bestowed upon you when people find out you’re pregnant. i can’t count the amount of times i’ve been surprised by a card or a gift or just a “happy for you” message that we’ve gotten over the past few months. this baby of ours is going to be so loved and welcomed and cuddled, that when i think about it too much, i get a little weepy. i mean, it’s not even out in the world yet, and it’s already loved! people are wonderful.

the moral of the story is this: people will say things that surprise (and maybe even shock) you…just like when you’re not pregnant. the key is to stay calm and not let the hormones win. and then you’ll see that most of it is done out of love, and at that point the hormones might win and make you cry.

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