out of my control.
i've been told before that i'm what you would call a "control freak". i like to know what's going on, and i also really like to know what's coming next. blame it on my oldest child syndrome, blame it on being type-a, but whatever you call it, at the end of the day i have issues giving up control.
there is a family video we watch every so often with my family of the day my twin sisters were born. my brother and i were staying with my grandparents, and getting ready to visit the babies and my mom at the hospital. at the tender age of not-quite-four, i was dressed and breakfasted and ready to go early (as was my doll jessica). my brother was running up and down the hallway with his toothbrush in his mouth like a crazy person. i looked at my grandpa, who was filming the whole scene, and said, "patrick's being uncooperative!" right before turning around and screeching at him that he had to get ready so we could be on time to see our sisters. every time we watch it, everyone cracks up and says, "nothing has changed!"and it hasn't. because i've had the good fortune of living a life that has gone pretty much as planned. i chose where i went to college; i planned out my study abroad trips so they would work with my credits and where i wanted to travel; i got the perfect mix of internships that led me to the job i have today. nothing in my life has really forced me to let go of the control i think i so badly need. even when i was single and dating, i didn't feel out of control or like i would never meet anyone, because i knew exactly what i wanted and was waiting for, and so i felt in control of my choice.these past few months have been a lesson in giving up control and handing the reins to the One who knows exactly what the right next step is. it goes against every fiber of my being to not plan the next step or make it happen exactly when i want it. i feel actual, physical discomfort when i think about how helpless i actually am in this life. and so i've had to say yes to being completely out of control, and following Him to wherever the next step is. there are just too many unknowns for me to ever be able to control it all, so i'm trying to accept that with at least some grace and humility.it seems like such a small thing, to say, "this is out of my control. this is out of my hands. i'm giving all of it to You. do with it what You will." but right now it feels like the biggest thing i've ever done. and i'm still doing it. every day, most moments, when i have the time to let my mind wander, i have to stop myself from making plans and backup plans to get things the way i want them to be. i remind myself that i need to say yes to giving up the control, and that eventually i won't feel so uncomfortable. eventually i'll feel taken care of, and it will be a good thing.
not my will but Yours be done. |luke 22:42|
this post is part of the #sayyesproject.
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